July 11, 2013 by CassieCravings
While you’re reading this, I’m on my way to a specialist’s office a couple of hours from home. It’s another step on the “Let’s get pregnant!” campaign. In many ways I feel like it’s my last step.
I have tried OBGYNs, homeopaths, reflexologists, midwives and now I’m trying this new specialist. My midwife said that he’s best in Texas, that he is who she would go to if she had to do it all over again. And so I’m going, not bravely, but I’m going.
So far, It has not been anything anyone has been able to fix. It has been years of frustration and loss. My uterus has been called things like “unbalanced” and “out-of-whack”. Bless it’s jankly little heart. The midwife calls my Elijah an absolute miracle, a medical moment that just doesn’t make any physical sense.
While I relish in the knowledge that my blessing of a baby boy has professionals raise their eyebrows, it makes me wonder if asking God for two miracles is too much, too selfish, too ungrateful. I can’t count how many times I’ve apologized when I have prayed for another child. There are no numbers for how many times I have stopped and listened quietly, wondering how many other mamas and will-be-mamas are praying at that moment for a child to hold.
Today as I am up too early and wishing away the wave of apprehensive nausea, I am continuing to pray, continuing to ask, continuing to thank God for my beautiful boy.
I am a ball of nerves, split between ecstatic and nervous. Again and again, I shut down the “what if” thought. But when “what if” shouts too loudly, I relunctantly play it out. The end result of not being successful is that I have a beautiful, healthy son. The end result is probably adopting a precious child that may already be in this world. The end result isn’t terrible at all.
So, I’m off on another step in my journey, one that is scary because it is unknown. But I am taking it with hope and with determination, timidly though my steps may be.
If you have a moment today, and you happen to think of my little journey, would you pray for me?