October 9, 2013 by mamacravings
There has never been a greater distraction in my life than infertility. It is consuming of time, finances and heart. It is consuming of self.
It is a heavy fog that hangs over my head, a mighty burden that drags my shoulders down, a gnawing ache that feeds on my heart.
Every 3 hour drive to the doctor, every appointment, every test, every procedure, every disappointment is a bitter reminder that the desire of my heart may not be a reality.
3 doctors have passed me on to another specialist. The 4th doctor remains optimistic but our conversations are beginning to be peppered with, “I don’t know.” and “I’m sorry that this isn’t working.”
Bitterness and hope are in constant battle within me. Bitterness is one of those things that I never want to talk about because of what an unflattering emotion it is. Hope is one of those things that is becoming increasingly difficult to talk about because I am terrified that it is waning.
My heart hurts so badly that my entire body aches.
I know this is only a moment, that minutes from now I will receive a breath of hope again. That breath, though fleeting and frail, is to what I cling.
God’s promise, true and binding, is my strength. The book of Jeremiah is my current refuge: “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)” and “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. (Jer. 32:17).
My heart aches, but I am not alone. My body is tired, but I am not alone. This journey is long, but He walks with me.