A Journey Through Infertility: The Heartbreak of January


January 27, 2015 by CassieCravings

January is a great celebration to many people. It is a fresh start, a new beginning, a season of hope. January, for me, is a time of remembrance and mourning. There is a gnawing pang of loss and defeat.

In January of 2009, I sat in my childhood bathroom in the middle of the night and miscarried my first baby. I curled up in a ball on that worn linoleum and wished to die. I pressed my cheek against the pink tiles as agony, both physical and emotional, tore through me. “Never again,” I moaned. “Never again.” It was too much. I already gave it my entire heart. I couldn’t take the grief.

This was my first child.

After that terrible day, I went on to carry 6 more babies. Baby #3 was the only live birth.  On 12 March 2010, after weeks of bed rest I gave birth, to a perfect son. He was our rainbow after the torrential downpour. He was our hope after our heartache.

Tonight, as I remembered our journey, I cradled our one “live birth.” I inhaled the scent of his baby shampoo. I rocked him as he serenaded me with his favorite nursery rhyme,  he twirling my hand in his. I kissed him until he finally wriggled away.

January is my least favorite month. It is the month that I finally understood loss, that I knew heartache from the inside out. March, however, is my very favorite month. March is the month when I held my long-awaited son in my arms for the first time. As much as January is death, March is hope.

I’m so thankful that my son’s birthday falls only a couple of months after the dreaded month. It’s a nod to keep looking to the future, to keep seeking hope.

A Journey Through Infertility Image 2


14 thoughts on “A Journey Through Infertility: The Heartbreak of January

  1. This is so sad but beautifully written. i can’t imagine how you coped losing so many babies, it is such a hard, hard thing to go through, and I have only done it once.
    Hoping the rest of January passes quickly and that you have a lovely celebration with your son in march x

  2. Sarah says:

    I love you!

  3. Simply beautiful :). You have been thru such a roller coaster but for you to see the positivity in what you do have and are thankful for that- is a true blessing! So glad to be following your blog 🙂

  4. Thank you for opening up about heartbreak not usually shared. ♥

  5. samn10 says:

    Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story, hope is a wondeful thing.

  6. ItsHeidi says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t pretend to know how those losses felt, but I do know about waiting and longing. ❤

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