A Journey through Infertility: 3 Years Later

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May 12, 2015 by mamacravings

Last week our family marked 3 years of trying for another child. 3 years. Through this journey I have become convinced that time does not pass in a linear fashion. These 3 years seems like they have lasted much longer, yet I find myself surprised that the years have added up so quickly.

3 years. It’s a sad milestone. To want a child for so long leaves my heart very heavy. The day of the anniversary I held it together. I didn’t cry. My jaw was firmly set in defiance at letting the proverbial calendar flip steal my joy. All went as planned until I talked with my dad.

There’s something about the way my dad asks about my day that melts away the protective facade. I began to cry. Then I couldn’t stop. I sobbed for a while. Every time I tried to shove the pain back down, I would start again. The pain of those 3 years: the failed fertility treatments, the multiple miscarriages, the continued disappointment, poured out. Tears dripped onto my phone, smearing the glare of the screen. It hurt. It still does.

I sobbed, and my dad listened. When my breathing steadied, he asked, “Do you remember what it was like this time last year?”

This time last year, we crossed our 2 year mile-marker. I was fresh off of an infertility diagnosis. Adoption was not even being considered yet. I felt hopeless. I don’t use the word lightly. Utterly hopeless was exactly how I felt. In May 2014, my world was being shaken in every direction. Many nights I cried myself to sleep. Dreams of another child became nightmares. I wouldn’t dare to think of a second child, because it was impossible. It was hopeless.

What a difference a year makes. While the anniversary still hurts, it is not hopeless. Not only have we been called to adopt, we are well on our way. It’s going to be a long process, but it is not hopeless. It’s far from it. By the 4 year mark, I hope to be on the waiting list for our child. Perhaps by the 5 year mark, we will have the baby in our arms. We will no longer be marking the years of being without our child. Instead we will mark the years of completing our family.

Tears of hurt became became tears of hope. I am saddened by the 3 year mark, but I am daring to dream again. And that deserves celebration. What a difference a year makes. What a difference a year will make 365 days from now.

A Journey Through Infertility Image 2

Have you visited The Hopeful Piggy-Bank yet? Click here to learn more about our adoption journey.

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15 thoughts on “A Journey through Infertility: 3 Years Later

  1. Jenn says:

    It took us exactly 2 years to get pregnant with our little girl and I completely understand the hopelessness. I told my husband I was done trying. Too many needles, too much poking and prodding, and too much disappointment. I’m so glad to hear that you have found hope and see a light at the end of the tunnel! I am afraid to even think about the journey for a 2nd right now.

    • mamacravings says:

      Oh, Jenn. I’m so sorry that it took y’all so long. I ache for you. I hope that your journey for the second is much easier. I have very compound issues. I’ve heard that for many mamas it’s easier the 2nd time around. I hope you find that is for y’all ❤ much love!

  2. Absolutely right, what a difference a year can make! I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. It’s hard to wait on the perfect timing, blessings during your waiting time:)

  3. I hope your family is complete soon. I am happy for the child who will be loved by you.

  4. MPG Narratives says:

    With tears in my eyes I read your beautiful words. My two children are now grown ups but infertility still pains me when I read stories like yours. I’m glad to hear the adoption is near and you will have your precious two.

  5. You have a beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing your journey. ❤

  6. soph1003 says:

    Awww! I understand your story a bit, as I am going through similar situation–we’ve been trying for 2 years. Awful feeling isn’t it? Wondering if you’ll ever be able to have other children. I hope your dream comes true soon. You are a strong mama! 🙂

    I blog here: http://www.thesunshinemommy.com

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