August 7, 2017 by CassieCravings
I resigned from my job.
It wasn’t because I was ready to move on or even because I wanted to do so. I resigned from my job because of my health.
7 months have passed since my stroke. I am still not healthy enough or strong enough to return to my position as an elementary literacy coach. I was a teacher of teachers. I was a lover of literature. I was the keeper of the campus’ curricula. I was a lot of things before 29 December 2016. These differences between “was” and “am” have never been more glaringly obvious than the day that the neurologist told me I wasn’t ready to go back to work.
“These differences between “was” and “am” have never been more glaringly obvious than the day that the neurologist told me I wasn’t ready to go back to work.”
The school year is about to begin, and it will begin without me. While there are other projects in the works, I will refrain from talking about them just yet. My usual defense to disappointment is avoidance. So, I will avoid avoiding.
Today I won’t deflect or even try to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I will take the time to pout, to be bummed and even to mourn the loss of my position at a school. I will acknowledge that it is disappointing to walk away from what I love and from the people with whom I love to work. This isn’t a forever deal, but it is a life-changing deal. My title will be different. My day-to-day will be different. Small talk will be different.
“This isn’t a forever deal, but it is a life-changing deal.”
Even more than the “different” is the understanding of how far away I am from being fully recovered. The reality of it stings. Expectations have not been met. They were unrealistic expectations of my recovery and of myself, but I am not one who is accustomed to falling short. I am one, however, is who is full to the brim of grit. I’m stubborn as hell and expect that determination to serve me well through the rest of recovery.
The flip side of not working outside the home is focusing full-time inside the home. I get to be home with my kids. Y’all. Just in case you missed it. Let’s review: I get to be home with my kids!
Even though this came to our family as a medical necessity, I am so grateful for the opportunity to be home with my children. So much time was lost with them during hospital stays and those first several months of recovery. Those are moments I will never get back, and being at home will be moments that I get to cherish.
In between packing lunches, carpools, diaper changes and peek-a-boo, there will be writing and there will be building a business of my own.
And that’s just the beginning. Good things are coming, friends. Now is the time I get to pour myself into new adventures.
I am sad to walk away.
I am grateful for the time added to my family.
I am excited for what’s to come.