A Journey Through Infertility: Getting off the Roller-Coaster

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November 6, 2013 by mamacravings

A Journey Through Infertility Image 2

October marked 1 year of fertility treatments. We tried a new procedure, a bit more invasive, a bit more time-consuming, a bit more expensive.

The procedure failed.

It hit me hard, harder than the other failed rounds. Perhaps it was the emotions of hitting that 1 year mark. Perhaps it was the money that was just thrown into the wind. Perhaps it was just that I was just tired of this whole journey.

I allowed myself to cry. I cried for days. I felt lost.

Since the very first step into my journey through infertility, I knew what I wanted. It was simple: I wanted to add to my family. 4 specialists and 1 year later, I wasn’t sure anymore. I saw the toll this took on my family, my marriage, my finances, my heart. If the end result was a baby, then it would all be worth it. But what if the end result was still empty arms? I had never considered it before. Perhaps I was hopelessly optimistic, but I was sure that eventually the process would work. I was sure that the last steps of my journey landed me in a delivery room waiting to meet my precious child.

What if a child isn’t the end of this journey? What would I have to show for it besides an empty savings account and a broken heart?

These new questions plagued me as I drove again to Dallas. They bounced about my head as I sat in the waiting room. Slowly I moved to his office. I knew what I needed to do; I needed to get off the roller-coaster.

I thanked my doctor for everything he had done for me. I thanked him for calling me to comfort me when procedures failed and for continuing to be optimistic when things seemed so bleak. “I can’t tell you what it means to me that you have gone so beyond what it is required,” I continued with a trembling voice, “But I need a break. I don’t want to go through the holidays counting pills and giving shots. I don’t want to worry that I’m going to miss Thanksgiving dinner because we have to do the procedure that particular day. I want to catch up on the life I’ve been missing because of appointments, procedures and medicinal symptoms.”

He smiled at me, reassuring as always. He agreed. We planned an appointment in January. Then he showed me the next step. It was more aggressive, more invasive and more expensive. But it was a plan.

I smiled politely. I listened. But I guarded my heart. I didn’t have the same naive optimism that I did when I had first walked through that door months before.

The drive back home gave me time to ponder if I would actually call back in January. If I was asked today, I would say, “No. I’m done.” Of course, there is no way to know if I will be refreshed and ready in a few weeks time. Perhaps I will be, but perhaps I won’t.

What I do know for absolute sure is that I needed a break. I needed to get off of the roller-coaster. My body, my heart and my soul need to step back back from the pills, shots, procedures and disappointments.

For now it is a relief to be done with these fertility treatments, but who knows what tomorrow may bring.

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35 thoughts on “A Journey Through Infertility: Getting off the Roller-Coaster

  1. aif2009 says:

    You have a beautiful son! Have you ever thought of other ways to add to your family? I have worked with children in foster care my whole career and currently work at an adoption agency. The stories of infertility, miscarriages, emotional turmoil are endless, but these families I see have renewed hope, excitement, and joy going through the process of finding and pursuing alternative ways to add to their family. There comes a point where the emotional, physical, and financial toll on your family and especially you needs to end.

    • mamacravings says:

      We are looking into adoption, foster to adopt (legal risk) and infant adoption. I know that road is not easy either. But it has been something that has been on my heart since I was a little girl. ❀

  2. I can honestly say that I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. We just hit our 3 year mark and we still have empty arms. We took a small break. It was refreshing. I felt like I was ready to take on the world when we decided to start trying again. I pray for peace for you and for discernment. Going through this journey is tough. But, I have discovered that having people who understand what you’re going through makes it a little more bearable. Please feel free to check out my blog too. It will give you some insight in our journey. Prayers, my friend.

    http://www.wearehappilyeverafter.blogspot.com

    • mamacravings says:

      Thank you much, Lori! I really appreciate your words and encouragement. I hate that we are connected in this way, but I am so thankful that God can even use our hurt to connect us.

      I’ve followed your blog and look forward to diving into it.

  3. Bless you. It must be so hard and heart breaking. I hope it all becomes clear for you one way or another or a route not yet thought of x Time and space are wonderful for perspective.

  4. Talia says:

    Honey I hear you. Josh an I struggled to get pregnant,. With Gauge it was over a year and with the baby i’m carrying now, it was two years and this was after my doctor telling me I would probably never conceive a second or any other child due to the female issues I have. I was fine with just having one. I had reconciled myself to it, and Josh reassured me often that he was very happy with our little family and would never resent not having another, and I would have been happy to just raise Gauge and focus my attention on him, but the universe had other plans and it was such a welcome surprise. Infertility skips a generation in my family, my poor grandmother had eight miscarriages and a stillborn before having my mom and then miscarried again afterwards. She never had another child.

    My sister Tiffany has been struggling for close to ten years to conceive her second child after becoming pregnant spontaneously with her son who is now an awesome fifteen year old with her first husband (Who she finally got away from 12 year ago, thank the universe!) She and her amazing second husband have been through the wringer as well, shots, pills, procedures, a failed IUI, and a miscarriage. The doctors have tested them both and can’t figure it out. It’s so strange, because by contrast, my mother had no trouble conceiving and carrying either of us Tiffany was planned and I was mom’s welcome surprise,but Tiffany and I struggle to conceive and carry our babies. It’s just this weird generation skip. Don’t give up hope though sweetheart, the universe has a way of surprising us when we very least expect it and you are the most amazing of mothers! If anyone deserves and will cherish another child, it’s you.

    • mamacravings says:

      I remember the struggles you went through to get this little bub in your belly. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you!! I hope that Tiffany gets her happy ending too ❀

  5. i’m so sorry. i’m wishing you strength in your heart, peace in your head and the ability to let yourself just relax. every day is new day.

  6. Mis Anthropy says:

    This is a lovely post. God Bless You. Enjoy your holidays.

  7. the speech monster says:

    i remember praying for you when you first blogged about your journey and have thought of you intermittently. today i finally logged on to catch up on posts by other people i used to read and draw inspiration from daily when on maternity leave.

    thanks for sharing this difficult journey. it has given me some deeper insight to some of my real life friends’ struggles with conceiving. i hope you have a good, well deserved break. Enjoy Eli and may you keep the faith. Everything in His time. xx

  8. Alyssa says:

    After two years of trying with our second when I was married, and three rounds of Chlomid, I told the ex I was done trying. I was pregnant that month. Sex stopped being a chore, etc etc, it happened. Hang in there.

    • mamacravings says:

      Congrats on your baby!!! :))

      • Alyssa says:

        He’s 5 1/2… πŸ˜‰ However, I am just saying… in our case… It didn’t happen until we literally STOPPED trying. Haha I was just trying to give a tiny bit of hope. ❀

      • mamacravings says:

        Lol! πŸ™‚ He’s not such a baby anymore then! Thank you so much. I appreciate it!

      • Alyssa says:

        You’re welcome. Yeah, I threw in the towel and said NO MORE fertility treatment bullshit – its EXHAUSTING. And then January 14, 2008 I was wondering where my period was………………………………………….. πŸ˜‰ They largely attributed my successful pregnancy to losing a shit load of weight. Apparently fat cells leach estrogen away from a maturing egg…. Who knew?!?!

      • mamacravings says:

        I’ve heard that too!!! My friend who struggled with infertility and took fertility drugs with the first 2 kiddos came up pregnant after losing 20 lbs. Who knew?!

      • Alyssa says:

        I lost 43lbs exactly and was pregnant the cycle of that weigh in. Strange stuff.

  9. ❀ Hugs, so many huge to you mama

  10. Carla Vincent says:

    Oh Casi, I am so sorry. God is bigger than all of your problems. He will take care of you. You are blessed with a beautiful son and a husband who must love you very much. Remember Jeremiah 29:11 — God’s plans are to help you and it all works for the greater good. God loves you, and He will never forsake you. I will be praying for you harder than ever. Be good to yourself. ❀

  11. Michelle says:

    Oh mama, sending a prayer your way. Best of luck with everything, whatever you decide.

    Also, I have heard good things about the John Paul II Institute of Reproductive Health.

    Best wishes,
    Michelle

  12. My dear friend. God is with you and at the right time He will give you the desires of your heart. I often pray for you and you’re in my heart. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt situation. You’re a strong woman. God knows exactly what you need and He will never be late, although our time is different than His, He knows when we will be ready. God bless you and that beautiful family you have. xxxooo

    • mamacravings says:

      ❀ Thank you so much. I can't tell you what it means that you are praying for me and for my family. You are exactly right: God's timing is perfect. I am excited to see what He has for my family πŸ™‚

  13. chosenformore says:

    Thank you for your honesty. I have been struggling with infertility since about 6 months after our son was born… almost nine years ago. My husband and I have decided NOT to take the next steps and it has been difficult to imagine not having the hope of another baby. We, too have talked about adoption but the reality is the desire to get pregnant doesn’t go away. I have heard a million times but you have a beautiful son already… sadly this does not give me comfort to take the desire away. I will be praying for your heart during this holiday season. May God give you peace, comfort and clarity. God bless, Ronel

    • mamacravings says:

      Thank you, Ronel.

      I absolutely understand the whole “But you already have a child” thing. I get that. He is a blessing. But I still want another child. I have found that the desire to have a child AFTER having my son has been more heartbreaking. I want to provide a sibling for him and can’t.

      I’m praying for you ❀

  14. Amelia says:

    This honest, raw confession and glimpse into your heart touched me in a very real way. My husband and I have been TTC #2 for 28 months. We have had so many rounds fertility treatment, and I have become exhausted and disheartened. Each month as my period comes, I tell myself that I have had ENOUGH. That resolves lasts until AF is over, but I can’t seem to let it go for good quite yet. I hope that if/when the day comes that it is time to stop, I will feel peace. Infertility and treatment for it is such a difficult journey, as is letting go of the dream. Hugs!

    • mamacravings says:

      It is so, so tough. I did a year of fertility treatments (8 months of homeopathic and 5 months of modern medicine). I don’t know if there is a specific time where it becomes truly content. It is so draining and so heartbreaking. every. single. time. I’m praying for you, Amelia ❀

  15. […] of fertility treatments. The treatments lasted for months, but they failed. I was diagnosed as infertile. Our family was devastated and […]

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